Hiatus continues, however I have had one major change in my life that could (hopefully) end my art hiatus in the near future (or stretch it out even longer).
I have begun my first year of college. I am going to a college which I have dreamed of going to since freshman year of high school, but of course dreams are not like reality. I got the major I was hoping to get, video game design, but the cost of learning the skills required is high and the workload (seemingly) intense. Doubt has begun to enter my mind over whether this is what I want to do or not. My life is my own to control, and I know what I want to do is make video games, but getting there seems to be harder than I initially imagined. Life is made of challenges, and I guess its time to start facing them straight on.
This is probably one of the biggest changes in my life. I have moved out of the home I lived in for at least thirteen years and away from my close family, friends, and the love of my life.
That brings me to a second development in my life.
I have a boyfriend.
He and I met in high school, and actually dated for a few months about a year or two ago, but things are not so black and white.
Back then he was a she.
She and I had come together under very odd circumstances during the early part (Which I may cover someday in a future journal or something because it would probably make a good read) and at least in my opinion and point of view it seemed a very good relationship, but as you know from above there was something I didn't yet know.
Over time our relationship began to fall apart slowly. We talked less and less and she began to avoid me more and more (I originally thought it had to do with an event which had occurred to the both of us (I probably will never mention what that was so don't even ask) but it wasn't). She pushed me away to protect himself from telling me the truth. Being pushed away was one of the worst feelings I ever had, I began to feel like a stranger to her, worthless, a feeling which my depression absolutely loves to pray on.
One day I ended it. I wish I could have had a better reason to initiate it, but I didn't. An ex-girlfriend of mine was beginning to push her way back into my life, one who I had ended the relationship with because of her parasitic nature, but she acted as though she cared about me, something which I should have realized then was only a ploy, but people compromised by depression make the best targets.
It ended in a phone call.
After that everything kinda went to shit.
The ex tried to be my new girlfriend, but I was in such a dark place after that I even rejected her (eventually I would go back to her, something I really regret as it ended the exact same way it had before). My grades tanked and I felt alienated from my friends, but I think what hurt most is I never lost my feelings for her, even after being pushed away.
Senior year, I was with my parasitic ex and hating myself for it. My friends who I still had questioned my motives for going back to a person which I had told them I was so glad to be away from. I was hollow, trying to be a person I wasn't and stay true to myself was a paradoxical impossibility. I was surrounded by people who had made their opinions about me long ago, living in a town which I had never felt like I belonged.
And I saw her with another, but she was gone, and I saw who HE really was.
I saw the reason we had grown apart, the secret that had been kept. I saw how He was with someone who loved him for who he was, not who society told Him to be. Would I have been able to be that person for Him if had told me the truth, I didn't know.
That's when I made a decision to do the right thing, not for me but for him. I wouldn't put myself between them.
But life can play out in funny ways. He and I began to patch up our old friendship from before we had dated and I reconnected with friends I had lost, my ex and I broke up for the second time (a decision I do not regret or wish to reverse), and I started figuring out who I really was inside. Soon after He and His other had a falling out, something which I had not expected, nor had I wished upon them.
And then we graduated.
We had talked about hanging out after school got out but it took a few weeks before I built up the courage to try and get that to happen. When I saw him again I still saw the girl I used to know, but I moved past my preconceptions based on societal norms, and I saw him for who he truly was, the person I had fallen in love with was still there, but now I saw what that meant.
When you love someone, you accept them for who they really are, not for who you or anyone else wants them to be.
We saw some movies, had some laughs, and ate pizza late into the night. As the credits rolled after Pacific Rim we snuggled up next to each other and he asked me a question. I was shocked at first and asked him what he said because he couldn't have just said what I was hoping he had. His response was to bury his head in a pillow and act like nothing had happened, so I responded by posing the same question he had asked back to him.
"Do you want to be my boyfriend?"
And here we are today, with me trying to start a piece about how college isn't the way I imagined/hoped it would be and ending up talking about my relationships in the past couple years and my awesome boyfriend who I'm in love with.
Life is weird and full of surprises, and I think that's what makes it so great even though it can be so easy to get caught up in all the darkness.
(Oh, I may be making art soon because I have access to cool computers with cool art programs on them, but I may not because I have a ton of work to do as well.)
Listening to: Alex Clare (and other sad music about love)
Reading: Game of Thrones (Slowly)
Watching: These letters appearing on my screen
Playing: Metro 2033
Eating: My shells and barriers which have held me back